A False Sense of Security

Three or four days ago my husband’s cell phone was transferred over to his company’s business account.  It worked to his advantage because he wouldnt have a cell bill and he wouldnt have to carry two phones.  I thought it was a good idea as well but I still thought I would be able to check his phone history.  Wrong! He doesnt have permissions to see it!  I can’t even begin to express how crushed and enraged I was when I realized I had no access.  The realization that I had no control.  I heard God telling me, “You will have to rely on me from now on.”  I didn’t want to hear it!  I was sooooo angry, I whaled and cried as if someone was killing me (My husband wasn’t there to witness any of it).  I didn’t want to go to work because I knew I would be tired of seeing her freakin face! Plus my mind frame wasn’t good because I knew if she approached me about anything yesterday it wasn’t going to be good.  Clearly God was in charge because that never happened. I just didn’t want to live. Thats how destroyed I felt.  My brother text me yesterday to check on me and said ya know, not having that phone history is probably a good thing so you can stop relying on it as your sense of security.  He told me that I would have to take a leap of faith so that I can move forward and heal and that I was gonna have to start trusting my husband just a little. He said I would have moments but it was all about how I dealt with them.  I told my husband that I felt like my security blanket was gone and he said I have no reason to contact her and I’m not trying to.  My response, that’s what you said before.  I explained to my husband that he wants to go by his word.  I explained that when you were hiding things, lying and looking in my eyes trying to have that fake loving face saying I had nothing to worry about, I was taking you for your word and it failed me so how do you expect to go by your word now.  He had no answer for me.  I explained to my husband what my brother told me he had to do when it happened to him and his wife, which is let me vent and be supportive.

God is forcing me to trust Him and only Him, not some phone history, email etc.  Today I still feel a little blue but it’ll pass.

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