Its true what they say about Forgivness….

It is true what they say about Forgivenss, its freeing. I thought I had forgiven my husband when he asked me on D-Day if I could forgive him or would I forgive and I said “yes.” I really thought I had but when I looked up the word in the dictionary “to no longer have anger or resentment towards someone who has caused an offense (I’m paraphrasing)”, I realized I had not forgiven during these last four or five months.  I realized however, I needed to for my own sake and health.  The rage, continuing to not let him forget what he did, looking at him like i wanted to punch his face in and really got bad once I realized I wouldn’t have access to his cell bill because it was switched over to the company bill (my false sense of security).  I felt like I had lost faith in God and I was slowly forgetting about everything I believed God could do.  I just didn’t care anymore and for some reason as I drove home last Friday, I realized I had to shout out loud in my car that I would no longer be a victim!  I would no longer say the word Divorce because that’s what Satan wants, to seek kill and destroy and I am not having it!  God made a promise and I believe in it!  It doesn’t mean I won’t have pain but I can live through this and Divorce is not an option!  I have to trust God and give my husband a chance to earn my trust back.  We want to rebuild and I’ve just been living in the same space and rebuilding hadn’t even started.  I had to take a REAL, I’m REAL leap of faith not just lip service for everyone else to see how great I was doing from the outside but the inside I was losing it.  That next day (Saturday), I looked up the word forgiveness, prayed and read my Bible and looking my husband square in the face, took a couple of deep breaths and told him I had something to say.  You could tell from his face he had no idea what was coming, I’m sure he thought more talk about the affair and how I was hurting and more questions and then I said ,,,”this is hard for me, I’ve never done this before, formally that is”….I forgive you for the affair. I thought I had forgiven you, but I realized I hadn’t and I looked up the meaning and I don’t want to be angry and resentful anymore. I want to rebuild our marriage and I haven’t been focusing on that. I love you”  He looked at me and kissed me and we hugged for a lil bit and at that moment I felt a weight lifted off.  I mean I felt free.  Mind you I still have thoughts and triggers that come into play but I acknowledge them and walk them out.  I wish the AP would get a job somewhere else so I wouldnt have to see my past in my face but God would heal me of that and she won’t even phase me after awhile and she’ll just be apart of the office furniture, the help (my new word for the AP).  I made it clear that I will still need to tell him when I’m having a bad day and need to talk to heal properly and I need him to help me heal and he understood.  I can’t wonder about the phone, email or the past.  if anything is going to happen, whats done in the dark comes to the light.  It did five months ago ;o)

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2 thoughts on “Its true what they say about Forgivness….

  1. if anything is going to happen, whats done in the dark comes to the light. It did five months ago ;o) – Yes, this. This is what I have to continually tell myself. Because the unknown can be a really big thing. God brought to light what was hidden for almost four years. I have to trust He will do the same again as necessary – and then He’ll catch me when I fall.
    Thank you for writing this!

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