Its Always there lurking…..

Know matter how much I move forward and away from D Day, its seems to always be there, lurking like an old wound breaking open or some entity waiting in the shadows to break me.  I hate it sometimes and sometimes I ignore it.  Its much easier to ignore these days but with my husband’s recent promotion, has him on his phone emailing and texting often and then it begins haunting me.  I realize I have choices to renew mind and stop it but today wasn’t one of those days to ignore it. It’ll pass but right now I’m annoyed at it and my husband.  I hide the pain better now, because Lord knows I don’t want another discussion about it, I just want to move on.  I really believe I will never be able to fully trust my husband, ever and there will always be suspicion there (hell of a way to live).  It really feels like there’s this space between us that will never be closed.  What makes matters worse is because of his blood pressure meds, which he’s taken for years, its causing performance issues in the bedroom.  I feel like I’m getting a raw deal!  I mean he had all the freakin energy for the bitch, hoe, whatever you wanna call her but now hes got performance issues.  I resent it. God has a plan but right now I’m pissed about it all.  Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have stayed.  It would have been easier. Life isn’t easy though so I wait for tomorrow and it will be better.

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