Know matter how much I move forward and away from D Day, its seems to always be there, lurking like an old wound breaking open or some entity waiting in the shadows to break me. I hate it sometimes and sometimes I ignore it. Its much easier to ignore these days but with my husband’s recent promotion, has him on his phone emailing and texting often and then it begins haunting me. I realize I have choices to renew mind and stop it but today wasn’t one of those days to ignore it. It’ll pass but right now I’m annoyed at it and my husband. I hide the pain better now, because Lord knows I don’t want another discussion about it, I just want to move on. I really believe I will never be able to fully trust my husband, ever and there will always be suspicion there (hell of a way to live). It really feels like there’s this space between us that will never be closed. What makes matters worse is because of his blood pressure meds, which he’s taken for years, its causing performance issues in the bedroom. I feel like I’m getting a raw deal! I mean he had all the freakin energy for the bitch, hoe, whatever you wanna call her but now hes got performance issues. I resent it. God has a plan but right now I’m pissed about it all. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have stayed. It would have been easier. Life isn’t easy though so I wait for tomorrow and it will be better.
At this moment, I feel blessed. The mental rollercoaster has subsided a bit, the triggers are a little less, I’m training my mind to not have those flashes of them together, we still have our struggles but the emptiness, dark grief is gone.
I’m stronger, walking in love for God so that he can restore our marriage. I still don’t trust my husband but I am slowly trusting God and believe me its a process. I read something that gave me relief about my faith in God and it was that trusting God is a process and it comes, but slowly and reading that helped me not feel like I was failing God. He knows I’m not perfect which is a relief. Its one day at a time for my husband and I. Insecurities are there but not overwhelming. I’ve taken action and I’m getting my resume together to find to try and find another job where I never have to look at the affair partner again (God has not found her another job so I still have to look at her). I’m in an ok place today and ok is alright.
Three or four days ago my husband’s cell phone was transferred over to his company’s business account. It worked to his advantage because he wouldnt have a cell bill and he wouldnt have to carry two phones. I thought it was a good idea as well but I still thought I would be able to check his phone history. Wrong! He doesnt have permissions to see it! I can’t even begin to express how crushed and enraged I was when I realized I had no access. The realization that I had no control. I heard God telling me, “You will have to rely on me from now on.” I didn’t want to hear it! I was sooooo angry, I whaled and cried as if someone was killing me (My husband wasn’t there to witness any of it). I didn’t want to go to work because I knew I would be tired of seeing her freakin face! Plus my mind frame wasn’t good because I knew if she approached me about anything yesterday it wasn’t going to be good. Clearly God was in charge because that never happened. I just didn’t want to live. Thats how destroyed I felt. My brother text me yesterday to check on me and said ya know, not having that phone history is probably a good thing so you can stop relying on it as your sense of security. He told me that I would have to take a leap of faith so that I can move forward and heal and that I was gonna have to start trusting my husband just a little. He said I would have moments but it was all about how I dealt with them. I told my husband that I felt like my security blanket was gone and he said I have no reason to contact her and I’m not trying to. My response, that’s what you said before. I explained to my husband that he wants to go by his word. I explained that when you were hiding things, lying and looking in my eyes trying to have that fake loving face saying I had nothing to worry about, I was taking you for your word and it failed me so how do you expect to go by your word now. He had no answer for me. I explained to my husband what my brother told me he had to do when it happened to him and his wife, which is let me vent and be supportive.
God is forcing me to trust Him and only Him, not some phone history, email etc. Today I still feel a little blue but it’ll pass.
Being my husband, I guess he could sense I was feeling some type of way but I said I’m fine and left it because I’m trying to let God work it out for me. I’ve made a firm decision to trust God and stand on his word and have joy no matter what it looks like. I don’t want to be happy just based on circumstances anymore. Its not how I wanna live.
When we went to bed last night, he said “You know, I really love you honey.” my reply…”I know you do and I love you”. He said he was glad to hear that I knew, and it gave him assurance. What I wanted to say but didn’t was, “I know you love me and I’ve always known but I can’t trust you. Because loving and trusting aren’t the same thing.” I hope he isn’t mistaking love for trust. He’s a smart man so hopefully he gets that because I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to ask if he knew the difference. He might feel offended.
I’m surrendering and putting ALL of my trust in God and no matter what it looks like, I will not faint. I have finally decided in my mind and heart that divorce is not an option and Satan will not destroy us.
The weekend has been great and its when I always feel my safest because I know for sure there’s no contact. I’m usually dreading Monday because one, I have to see her and two, I have no idea if my husband’s telling the truth about contact, especially since he now has an office phone and email I cant track. Can you say control freak?! I chalk it up to being a normal process though. However, today I found the courage (God gave it to me) to act like a grown up and instead of accusing, being full of fear or being silent and him asking whats wrong, I looked at him during breakfast and said. “honey I have to tell you something….I dread Monday’s because I have no control over what goes on when I’m at work.” I expressed that I feel safer on the weekends because I know for sure you are all mine.” He looked at me and said “Honey, I am yours and only yours” you have nothing to worry about. I can’t ask him for an arm or a leg, that is pretty much all I can expect. The rest is his responsibility and my mine is to trust God and change my way of thinking. I wonder while I was washing the dishes, if someone like my sister asked if i think I made the right decision by staying and I thought would I say “I dont know?” Then I realized and said it out loud, “the choice to do the right thing, especially where God is concerned is always hard and that’s how I know I made the right decision because its freakin HARD!” Then my mind moved on. I’ve read a couple of blogs about right thinking and how to push negative thinking aside by deciding is it fact or fiction? If there’s no evidence, its not fact and it must be pushed to the side. I’ve pushed a lot to the side this weekend and I feel alright.
Tomorrow is a new day God willing. I pray I keep moving forward and take another step forward and not backward. God willing.
His response “There was no one specific thing that made me do it. It just happened. ” The response left me disappointed and hurt. Hurt that he wouldn’t make any effort to write something other that sentence. Where was his effort to the statement he made to me “I’ll do anything….” Our emails went back and forth for at least 20 minutes and then he called and we were stuck in that place again. Another night ruined, with tears, etc. He did tell me that nothing in particular lead to it. Although it hurt to hear it, he said “he did it because he could, he wanted to and he knew the consequences but didn’t think about them (I would say didnt want to)”. He felt I was putting work before us, staying when I didn’t need to stay and that when we talk I’m always on my phone, facebooking, texting and he didn’t have my attention. Like he didn’t matter. Needless to say, I didn’t like what I heard but it needed to be said so I know what I need to focus on, besides I asked right? Right.
This morning is a new day and our resolution or shall I say compromise, is for me to tell him how I’m feeling on my bad days and he will listen and assure every time I need it, but we can’t rehash the past, its done and it won’t change it. He said “you want a concrete guarantee that I won’t do it again and I’m not saying I’m going to do again but I’m not perfect and God is the only one who doesn’t make mistakes. People will fail you he said.” He’s right I’m trying to control everything to make sure it doesn’t happen but he’s responsible for that side of the street not me. I can only trust in God’s promise. Sometimes I get off track remembering and believing that but again I’m not perfect either.
One thing I need to remember is… Women and Men do not think alike. I felt the email I sent to him yesterday was heartfelt, sincere with no animosity attached to it but his thought was not the same. He couldn’t get what was I was feeling, he only got that I was lashing out. Face to face is a better solution for him and for us so there’s no misunderstanding.
I find it much more calming to write to my husband when I have questions and needs answers. It keeps me from lashing out, crying, screwing up my evening. Don’t get me wrong we talk all the time. But I’ve got the type of personality where I speak before I think and this type of communication helps me think clearly.. So here is. Its working for me.
So I have heard the term “time heals all wounds” but it doesn’t if you’re not taking any action heal the wound. I think you would agree that if no action is taken then time isn’t going to matter.
Its like when your knee hurts, you don’t continue to run on it and in time expect it to heal. There’s an action to be taken.
That being said, do you think you could write me a letter (email), on what started making you feel unhappy in our marriage or in your life for that matter that lead you to cross that line? It doesn’t have to be ten paragraphs but I thought maybe if you wrote it out it would be easier to express and it could help both of us so that there’s not a repeat of that behavior from either person.
I have read the same things over and over in studies, I heard it from our therapist, that if a person doesn’t determine and share it with their spouse on what made them decide on the choice they made, they may do it again OR the recovery process takes longer or not at all. I don’t want to be a statistic.
I find it so much easier to write to you because then I can calmly get my thoughts together instead of lashing out or crying all the time.
I’m in a good place today but I’m asking for your help so we can keep on moving.
Thanks, I love you,