Know matter how much I move forward and away from D Day, its seems to always be there, lurking like an old wound breaking open or some entity waiting in the shadows to break me. I hate it sometimes and sometimes I ignore it. Its much easier to ignore these days but with my husband’s recent promotion, has him on his phone emailing and texting often and then it begins haunting me. I realize I have choices to renew mind and stop it but today wasn’t one of those days to ignore it. It’ll pass but right now I’m annoyed at it and my husband. I hide the pain better now, because Lord knows I don’t want another discussion about it, I just want to move on. I really believe I will never be able to fully trust my husband, ever and there will always be suspicion there (hell of a way to live). It really feels like there’s this space between us that will never be closed. What makes matters worse is because of his blood pressure meds, which he’s taken for years, its causing performance issues in the bedroom. I feel like I’m getting a raw deal! I mean he had all the freakin energy for the bitch, hoe, whatever you wanna call her but now hes got performance issues. I resent it. God has a plan but right now I’m pissed about it all. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have stayed. It would have been easier. Life isn’t easy though so I wait for tomorrow and it will be better.
At this moment, I feel blessed. The mental rollercoaster has subsided a bit, the triggers are a little less, I’m training my mind to not have those flashes of them together, we still have our struggles but the emptiness, dark grief is gone.
I’m stronger, walking in love for God so that he can restore our marriage. I still don’t trust my husband but I am slowly trusting God and believe me its a process. I read something that gave me relief about my faith in God and it was that trusting God is a process and it comes, but slowly and reading that helped me not feel like I was failing God. He knows I’m not perfect which is a relief. Its one day at a time for my husband and I. Insecurities are there but not overwhelming. I’ve taken action and I’m getting my resume together to find to try and find another job where I never have to look at the affair partner again (God has not found her another job so I still have to look at her). I’m in an ok place today and ok is alright.
It is true what they say about Forgivenss, its freeing. I thought I had forgiven my husband when he asked me on D-Day if I could forgive him or would I forgive and I said “yes.” I really thought I had but when I looked up the word in the dictionary “to no longer have anger or resentment towards someone who has caused an offense (I’m paraphrasing)”, I realized I had not forgiven during these last four or five months. I realized however, I needed to for my own sake and health. The rage, continuing to not let him forget what he did, looking at him like i wanted to punch his face in and really got bad once I realized I wouldn’t have access to his cell bill because it was switched over to the company bill (my false sense of security). I felt like I had lost faith in God and I was slowly forgetting about everything I believed God could do. I just didn’t care anymore and for some reason as I drove home last Friday, I realized I had to shout out loud in my car that I would no longer be a victim! I would no longer say the word Divorce because that’s what Satan wants, to seek kill and destroy and I am not having it! God made a promise and I believe in it! It doesn’t mean I won’t have pain but I can live through this and Divorce is not an option! I have to trust God and give my husband a chance to earn my trust back. We want to rebuild and I’ve just been living in the same space and rebuilding hadn’t even started. I had to take a REAL, I’m REAL leap of faith not just lip service for everyone else to see how great I was doing from the outside but the inside I was losing it. That next day (Saturday), I looked up the word forgiveness, prayed and read my Bible and looking my husband square in the face, took a couple of deep breaths and told him I had something to say. You could tell from his face he had no idea what was coming, I’m sure he thought more talk about the affair and how I was hurting and more questions and then I said ,,,”this is hard for me, I’ve never done this before, formally that is”….I forgive you for the affair. I thought I had forgiven you, but I realized I hadn’t and I looked up the meaning and I don’t want to be angry and resentful anymore. I want to rebuild our marriage and I haven’t been focusing on that. I love you” He looked at me and kissed me and we hugged for a lil bit and at that moment I felt a weight lifted off. I mean I felt free. Mind you I still have thoughts and triggers that come into play but I acknowledge them and walk them out. I wish the AP would get a job somewhere else so I wouldnt have to see my past in my face but God would heal me of that and she won’t even phase me after awhile and she’ll just be apart of the office furniture, the help (my new word for the AP). I made it clear that I will still need to tell him when I’m having a bad day and need to talk to heal properly and I need him to help me heal and he understood. I can’t wonder about the phone, email or the past. if anything is going to happen, whats done in the dark comes to the light. It did five months ago ;o)
Three or four days ago my husband’s cell phone was transferred over to his company’s business account. It worked to his advantage because he wouldnt have a cell bill and he wouldnt have to carry two phones. I thought it was a good idea as well but I still thought I would be able to check his phone history. Wrong! He doesnt have permissions to see it! I can’t even begin to express how crushed and enraged I was when I realized I had no access. The realization that I had no control. I heard God telling me, “You will have to rely on me from now on.” I didn’t want to hear it! I was sooooo angry, I whaled and cried as if someone was killing me (My husband wasn’t there to witness any of it). I didn’t want to go to work because I knew I would be tired of seeing her freakin face! Plus my mind frame wasn’t good because I knew if she approached me about anything yesterday it wasn’t going to be good. Clearly God was in charge because that never happened. I just didn’t want to live. Thats how destroyed I felt. My brother text me yesterday to check on me and said ya know, not having that phone history is probably a good thing so you can stop relying on it as your sense of security. He told me that I would have to take a leap of faith so that I can move forward and heal and that I was gonna have to start trusting my husband just a little. He said I would have moments but it was all about how I dealt with them. I told my husband that I felt like my security blanket was gone and he said I have no reason to contact her and I’m not trying to. My response, that’s what you said before. I explained to my husband that he wants to go by his word. I explained that when you were hiding things, lying and looking in my eyes trying to have that fake loving face saying I had nothing to worry about, I was taking you for your word and it failed me so how do you expect to go by your word now. He had no answer for me. I explained to my husband what my brother told me he had to do when it happened to him and his wife, which is let me vent and be supportive.
God is forcing me to trust Him and only Him, not some phone history, email etc. Today I still feel a little blue but it’ll pass.
Being my husband, I guess he could sense I was feeling some type of way but I said I’m fine and left it because I’m trying to let God work it out for me. I’ve made a firm decision to trust God and stand on his word and have joy no matter what it looks like. I don’t want to be happy just based on circumstances anymore. Its not how I wanna live.
When we went to bed last night, he said “You know, I really love you honey.” my reply…”I know you do and I love you”. He said he was glad to hear that I knew, and it gave him assurance. What I wanted to say but didn’t was, “I know you love me and I’ve always known but I can’t trust you. Because loving and trusting aren’t the same thing.” I hope he isn’t mistaking love for trust. He’s a smart man so hopefully he gets that because I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to ask if he knew the difference. He might feel offended.
I’m surrendering and putting ALL of my trust in God and no matter what it looks like, I will not faint. I have finally decided in my mind and heart that divorce is not an option and Satan will not destroy us.
The weekend has been great and its when I always feel my safest because I know for sure there’s no contact. I’m usually dreading Monday because one, I have to see her and two, I have no idea if my husband’s telling the truth about contact, especially since he now has an office phone and email I cant track. Can you say control freak?! I chalk it up to being a normal process though. However, today I found the courage (God gave it to me) to act like a grown up and instead of accusing, being full of fear or being silent and him asking whats wrong, I looked at him during breakfast and said. “honey I have to tell you something….I dread Monday’s because I have no control over what goes on when I’m at work.” I expressed that I feel safer on the weekends because I know for sure you are all mine.” He looked at me and said “Honey, I am yours and only yours” you have nothing to worry about. I can’t ask him for an arm or a leg, that is pretty much all I can expect. The rest is his responsibility and my mine is to trust God and change my way of thinking. I wonder while I was washing the dishes, if someone like my sister asked if i think I made the right decision by staying and I thought would I say “I dont know?” Then I realized and said it out loud, “the choice to do the right thing, especially where God is concerned is always hard and that’s how I know I made the right decision because its freakin HARD!” Then my mind moved on. I’ve read a couple of blogs about right thinking and how to push negative thinking aside by deciding is it fact or fiction? If there’s no evidence, its not fact and it must be pushed to the side. I’ve pushed a lot to the side this weekend and I feel alright.
Tomorrow is a new day God willing. I pray I keep moving forward and take another step forward and not backward. God willing.
His response “There was no one specific thing that made me do it. It just happened. ” The response left me disappointed and hurt. Hurt that he wouldn’t make any effort to write something other that sentence. Where was his effort to the statement he made to me “I’ll do anything….” Our emails went back and forth for at least 20 minutes and then he called and we were stuck in that place again. Another night ruined, with tears, etc. He did tell me that nothing in particular lead to it. Although it hurt to hear it, he said “he did it because he could, he wanted to and he knew the consequences but didn’t think about them (I would say didnt want to)”. He felt I was putting work before us, staying when I didn’t need to stay and that when we talk I’m always on my phone, facebooking, texting and he didn’t have my attention. Like he didn’t matter. Needless to say, I didn’t like what I heard but it needed to be said so I know what I need to focus on, besides I asked right? Right.
This morning is a new day and our resolution or shall I say compromise, is for me to tell him how I’m feeling on my bad days and he will listen and assure every time I need it, but we can’t rehash the past, its done and it won’t change it. He said “you want a concrete guarantee that I won’t do it again and I’m not saying I’m going to do again but I’m not perfect and God is the only one who doesn’t make mistakes. People will fail you he said.” He’s right I’m trying to control everything to make sure it doesn’t happen but he’s responsible for that side of the street not me. I can only trust in God’s promise. Sometimes I get off track remembering and believing that but again I’m not perfect either.
One thing I need to remember is… Women and Men do not think alike. I felt the email I sent to him yesterday was heartfelt, sincere with no animosity attached to it but his thought was not the same. He couldn’t get what was I was feeling, he only got that I was lashing out. Face to face is a better solution for him and for us so there’s no misunderstanding.