Another letter to my husband

I find it much more calming to write to my husband when I have questions and needs answers.  It keeps me from lashing out, crying, screwing up my evening.  Don’t get me wrong we talk all the time.  But I’ve got the type of personality where I speak before I think and this type of communication helps me think clearly.. So here is.  Its working for me.

Hi,

So I have heard the term “time heals all wounds” but it doesn’t if you’re not taking any action heal the wound.  I think you would agree that if no action is taken then time isn’t going to matter.

Its like when your knee hurts, you don’t continue to run on it and in time expect it to heal.  There’s an action to be taken.

That being said, do you think you could write me a letter (email), on what started making you feel unhappy in our marriage or in your life for that matter that lead you to cross that line?  It doesn’t have to be ten paragraphs but I thought maybe if you wrote it out it would be easier to express and it could help both of us so that there’s not a repeat of that behavior from either person.

I have read the same things over and over in studies, I heard it from our therapist, that if a person doesn’t determine and share it with their spouse on what made them decide on the choice they made, they may do it again OR the recovery process takes longer or not at all.  I don’t want to be a statistic.

I find it so much easier to write to you because then I can calmly get my thoughts together instead of lashing out or crying all the time.

I’m in a good place today but I’m asking for your help so we can keep on moving.

Thanks, I love you,

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A Need to Express…

“A need to express” was the title of an email I sent to my husband today.  I made it through a week and 2 days (an important milestone for me) without flooding my husband and myself with how I was feeling and how could he have hurt me so badly.  To being perfectly calm and having a good day.  I went home yesterday still feeling a little something about my self worth and same old feelings and trying not to wallow in the past.  Praying definitely helped.  My husband asked me a couple of times if everything was “ok” (he always knows from my face something is wrong) and I said “yes of course” like I always do then I start in with well…blah blah, then we argue, I cry and we both waste an evening.  This time I decided to look to God and remember I didnt have to jump inside this vicious circle again and I walked through it and it was gone.

Today however, I really felt the need to let him know how I was feeling and I decided on a different approach. Instead of spouting off my feelings, my frustrations and making him feel condemned, I sent him an email…. Here it is….

“I know you don’t like to talk about the past but I was thinking on the way to work (sometimes I feel I have too much time to think) and I just needed to express some thoughts and feelings I had. 

 I remember you saying to me “I always loved you and I was never going to leave you” as if that was my fear.  If you said you were going to leave me for someone else, I would have and could have accepted that and moved on. During those months, it wasn’t a fear of you leaving me because I’ve been on my own before, it was a fear of you sharing yourself physically and emotionally with someone else.  It was the fear that infidelity could possibly be happening and I didn’t know how to stop it. Then I think why was I trying so hard to stop it when you didn’t want to.  I don’t know my mind is a little all over the place this morning.

 Yesterday I was thinking “does everyone here think I’m desperate?”  “Do you think I’m desperate?” and what do you and everyone here see when you look at me?  Am I just a pathetic woman chasing after someone who may not want me? 

 Please forgive me for bothering you with this but I needed an outlet. I hope you can find understanding in expressing my thoughts to you.

I know it may be a hard pill to swallow when you read this, but I do love you very much and this is a process for me and I believe I’m slowly pushing forward. The residue is starting to fade but my mind still wants to do its thing.

Love …”

I realized once I sent the email that I could not have any expectation of a response. Besides what could he say except what he has been saying for the last two months, “I’m sorry I hurt you,  I made a mistake and I take full responsibility”, ” I know its hard for you to believe me after all the lies but I am committed and you are the only one I want” and all the other things he offered to earn trust (passwords for email, phone (home and work) and whereabouts).  After all, I told him it was just to express my feelings. Once I made that realization, I was ok with it.  I couldn’t believe it myself.  Usually whenever I talked to him about anything or went over the repetitive questions of the affair, I had expectations of a response and most of the time because I didn’t want to do the hard work for him to just say I want a divorce.  I wanted him to say it so badly so I didn’t have to do it anymore. I realize getting over the pain is my responsibility, he can only work on earning the trust that he lost and owning up to his side.

His response by the way…No problem honey.  I do understand and I love you very much ok?

Thats all I can really ask for, is his understanding and his love.  I don’t know what God’s plan is but He has one.  I know that for sure and I have told Him I’m willing, which is a little scary because no one knows what they’re getting themselves into when you accept whatever His plan is.

I want to live.  I’m 47 years old and I don’t want to live in fear while I’m here on this earth.  So I ask God to change me and I desire for Him to do so. I don’t pray for him to change my husband anymore. I ask HIM to guide my husband to a closer walk for us and for His glory.  I have to or I won’t heal.  I need to be happy just being in my own skin and everything else is just icing.

Am I Desperate……

“Am I desperate?” is what the “voice” said in my head.  “Does he (my husband) think I’m desperate?” was the next question from the “voice”. Does he think I’m a pushover because I decided to stay in it? Then it occurred to me, what other people are thinking of me? Do they think I’m pathetic? At least 80% of the employees here know about my husband having an affair with his subordinate and then getting fired.  After hearing the questions, in my head, I had a low moment and I wanted to and felt like crying because I thought…. am I staying because I don’t want to be alone?  I have been praying to God to change me and my thinking because I’m unique and I am a child of God. I’m more than a conqueror but Satan likes to creep in and destroy.

Then maybe 20 minutes later….. a “whisper” said you have more courage than you give your self credit for.  Not everyone would choose this road because for one its hard as to work on your marriage when infidelity is involved. I’m worthy and I’m not desperate.  The whisper said this isn’t a boyfriend you’re deciding to stay with, this is your husband and this a marriage God honors even though he’d be ok with a divorce since my husband was unfaithful. God is faithful and He is the whisper that I decided to listen to instead of staying in stuck and listening to the “voice”.  The negative “voice” wants to seek, kill and destroy not just my marriage but ME.  I will not be destroyed. I feel better now but I needed to get this down on “paper” so to speak.

I had a moment and I saw the real truth and I’m not desperate!

I’ll do anything he said…but its so hard to believe him.

October 4 was his last contact with her especially once he handed over his email password and online account password so I can check whenever I want.  Seems like I would have been ok after that, nope.  Still had and have negative thoughts.  Like, now that he has a new job and will be getting a cell phone.  Will he contact her. He said he promised God and me that he is committed to our relationship but as I explained to him, he has lied so much it so hard to believe anything he says.  This situation has drained me as anyone going through this can understand and I hate it.  He thinks I continue to bring up things to punish him but what he wants is for it all to be over and just believe what he tells me.  We have been to a marriage conference and we have gone to therapy but its up to me to try and move forward but its his responsibility to show me he can be trusted and he’s doing that but the mind never shuts off and I’m learning I need to have patience with myself and not to expect a quick fix.  There are days I say to hell with the patience I want my brain to be friggin quiet!!!

I’m thankful for my God who I’m trying to trust that there is a purpose for everything.  There are days I want a divorce and days I love him and want to wrap my arms around him forever.  The roller-coaster is a bitch!

I noticed little things…..

Wow, even though its been about two months, my heart is pounding as I start to type out my story.  At first I never even gave an affair happening to me a thought.  Never did I think my husband who I thought the world of would cheat.  I knew he cheated once on his first wife but he was 22 and young when he married and I thought, well he’s been honest and everyone likes him and he’s the nicest guy so he would never…So far from every post or self help info I’ve read, those first few lines are the same for every hurt person.  I come from a line of strong-willed women, you know the type, never wanting anyone to tell them what to do, “I can do it myself”, “I don’t need a man”  but yet we wanna be married (so crazy) and lets face it, I can be hard to get along with.  I realize now I didn’t know how to let my spouse be the head of the house.  To be the man he needed to be.  However, with all that, I thought he took me as I was and that “we” were happy. NOT! In late March 2013, I noticed changes in his behavior, very subtle things, like too tired for sex, paying more attention to himself, what he wore, especially his body.  Exercising more than usual. Then I saw the first signs, he was receiving texts more often than usual from a woman who worked for him.  I didn’t make to much of it because he had met her husband.  I knew her reputation but I thought my husband would never… and then by chance (because I’m the IT Tech at our work facility, oh yeah that’s right, did I mention we all worked for the same company in the same office), She needed me to fix her cell phone and noticed a photo of something he had just showed me over the weekend and then I went to snooping in his work email and found that they had been chatting and plotting to see each other, while I would be working late. I confronted and he denied.  More and more I snooped and would find more (I should have been a detective). We would argue, while he denied or should I say lied. He would have to travel with her and ensure me that I had nothing to worry about and what did he want with her three kids blah blah blah.  He would go to lunch with her and never asked me and was annoyed if I even asked.  He felt I was trying to make him do what I wanted.  He was literally pissed about it.  Meanwhile people were gossiping about it in the office. I was humiliated, full of aniexty and noticeably lost more than 10 pounds. This went on until August when the crap hit the fan.  I found out while I was away at a class for work, they made arrangements to meet and everyone in the office kinda knew it was happening.  I finally compromised my husband’s job (I was desperate and wanted it to stop you call it what you want) and called ethics and compliance to report a possible inappropriate relationship.  Not sure if I was the only one who called but I called on a Monday and a week later (not expecting the fall out – I was naive) he was fired and she was not. I know you’re thinking why wasn’t she??? He was the manager so he should no better.  Well, because I felt horrible and I thought finally, its over.  He still didn’t admit it when I asked him that afternoon he got let go.  I told him to think about it and when I got to the house let me know what his next words were going to be (I had moved out of the house 3 days prior).  He wanted me to move back in and I said not until you get honest and he did. Even though I knew the truth, it was even more crushing then I thought it would be.  He was crying and I felt so awful because I made the call that may have gotten him fired. He felt so bad that he hurt me and I was so, Oh honey I forgive you blah blah.

I thought great, I got my husband back and then he got a new phone..my fears started again because I knew he may try to contact her. In fact, a friend warned me that could happened and the dust hadn’t settled that quickly. I should have listened.

He finally asked me one day, “Did you make that call?”  I said yes because I didn’t want to start restoring our marriage on a lie. He couldn’t believe how I could have betrayed him and where was my loyalty to my husband and he would never take away my livelihood no matter what I did to him. I worried he woudln’t forgive me but I still had a feeling he was still talking to her.  God blessed him with another job.  God blessed us with what we needed to cover our bills.  Before I knew it, I was checking his phone again and found that he had emailed her and asked for her cell number.  i knew also because she was always smirking at me in the office, as if to say, “I still have your man”. I got desperate again, changed his password for his online phone bill and got evidence.  He made first contact and they were calling and texting each other, all while I was trying to help him find a new job, help with his resume, help with the bills, feeling horrible about ratting him out, etc.  I was IRATE and wanted a divorce, threatened to tell her husband etc.  He asked me not to leave him and he would do anything to rebuild our marriage.  I decided to stay, was I crazy?

I swore I would never stay if someone cheated on me, I remember telling him just in conversation, a long long time ago.  Leaving was easy but staying was something I was not prepared for….The foundation I thought I had with my God was not there….I realized I had put to much into my husband and not into my God which lack of faith, pain and no foundation…..So I’ve started the hard part and some days I hate it.

About

I am a forty something year old woman, with a husband that I treated as my everything.  I never thought, ever he would cheat. I was naive…  I never thought I’d stay…..Some say I’m strong for my decision but its hard as hell, I’m tired of the whole process. Especially the over-thinking but like I said, I never thought I’d stay… So I figured I’d try a different approach to healing by joining the network of women or men trying to survive… Here goes.