“A need to express” was the title of an email I sent to my husband today. I made it through a week and 2 days (an important milestone for me) without flooding my husband and myself with how I was feeling and how could he have hurt me so badly. To being perfectly calm and having a good day. I went home yesterday still feeling a little something about my self worth and same old feelings and trying not to wallow in the past. Praying definitely helped. My husband asked me a couple of times if everything was “ok” (he always knows from my face something is wrong) and I said “yes of course” like I always do then I start in with well…blah blah, then we argue, I cry and we both waste an evening. This time I decided to look to God and remember I didnt have to jump inside this vicious circle again and I walked through it and it was gone.
Today however, I really felt the need to let him know how I was feeling and I decided on a different approach. Instead of spouting off my feelings, my frustrations and making him feel condemned, I sent him an email…. Here it is….
“I know you don’t like to talk about the past but I was thinking on the way to work (sometimes I feel I have too much time to think) and I just needed to express some thoughts and feelings I had.
I remember you saying to me “I always loved you and I was never going to leave you” as if that was my fear. If you said you were going to leave me for someone else, I would have and could have accepted that and moved on. During those months, it wasn’t a fear of you leaving me because I’ve been on my own before, it was a fear of you sharing yourself physically and emotionally with someone else. It was the fear that infidelity could possibly be happening and I didn’t know how to stop it. Then I think why was I trying so hard to stop it when you didn’t want to. I don’t know my mind is a little all over the place this morning.
Yesterday I was thinking “does everyone here think I’m desperate?” “Do you think I’m desperate?” and what do you and everyone here see when you look at me? Am I just a pathetic woman chasing after someone who may not want me?
Please forgive me for bothering you with this but I needed an outlet. I hope you can find understanding in expressing my thoughts to you.
I know it may be a hard pill to swallow when you read this, but I do love you very much and this is a process for me and I believe I’m slowly pushing forward. The residue is starting to fade but my mind still wants to do its thing.
I realized once I sent the email that I could not have any expectation of a response. Besides what could he say except what he has been saying for the last two months, “I’m sorry I hurt you, I made a mistake and I take full responsibility”, ” I know its hard for you to believe me after all the lies but I am committed and you are the only one I want” and all the other things he offered to earn trust (passwords for email, phone (home and work) and whereabouts). After all, I told him it was just to express my feelings. Once I made that realization, I was ok with it. I couldn’t believe it myself. Usually whenever I talked to him about anything or went over the repetitive questions of the affair, I had expectations of a response and most of the time because I didn’t want to do the hard work for him to just say I want a divorce. I wanted him to say it so badly so I didn’t have to do it anymore. I realize getting over the pain is my responsibility, he can only work on earning the trust that he lost and owning up to his side.
His response by the way…No problem honey. I do understand and I love you very much ok?
Thats all I can really ask for, is his understanding and his love. I don’t know what God’s plan is but He has one. I know that for sure and I have told Him I’m willing, which is a little scary because no one knows what they’re getting themselves into when you accept whatever His plan is.
I want to live. I’m 47 years old and I don’t want to live in fear while I’m here on this earth. So I ask God to change me and I desire for Him to do so. I don’t pray for him to change my husband anymore. I ask HIM to guide my husband to a closer walk for us and for His glory. I have to or I won’t heal. I need to be happy just being in my own skin and everything else is just icing.